DescriptionOPTING OUT
/
93
guy who feels that way. One man at the University of Houston,
for example, insisted that sex was “super personal and super intimate,” not something he engaged in with just anyone. “It would
:)_.O /
be so uncomfortable to have sex with someone I don’t know or
with a friend,” agreed a guy at UC Santa Cruz. “I prefer building a
relationship and talking,” said a student at the University of Florida in reference to hooking up, “so something like that wouldn’t
work for me.” “For me, [sex is] definitely something you build up
to,” explained another at the University of Georgia.
Opting Out
These men, like 34 of my 101 students, opted out of hooking
up. I call them “abstainers,” students who decide that they’d rather
have no sex at all than obey the rules of hookup culture. Most of my
abstainers opted out because casual sex didn’t appeal to them. One
planned on saving sex for marriage. A few were facing family crises
mory was a romantic in both the literary and interpersonal
that took up their time and energy. Some had simply had enough of
sense of the word. He was majoring in creative writing with
hookup culture in high school. One identified as asexual. Some of
the hope of becoming a novelist and thought of himself as a student
these abstainers wavered, but most, like Emory, were confident that
of the human condition. Intensely interested in people, he wanted
they were making the right choice for themselves.
E
true connections, not furtive hookups. “I am … soft-hearted and
Not all abstainers saw it strictly as a personal choice, though.
hypersensitive,” he explained, “more interested in the timeless and
Some simply couldn’t easily take advantage of the idea that sex
seemingly archaic ideals of romantic love and relationships than in
should be fun. Jaslene, for example, a devout black lesbian who pur-
the more fast-paced, modern, ‘fuck and run’-to quote Liz Phair-
posefully chose to attend a religious school, was one of them. “I do
thoroughly unromantic, sexual lifestyle.”
not fuck, make out with, or even kiss my friends,” she wrote early
Though college men have the reputation of being quite keen to
in our semester together. Statistically speaking, I was not surprised.
have casual sex, many college men are not. In fact, the Online Col-
Hooking up isn’t “for black people,” she stated bluntly. Like
lege Social Life Survey shows us that men and women are equally
other nonwhite students, despite being quite beautiful, Jaslene was
likely to report zero hookups upon graduation. Certainly some stu-
disadvantaged by the “erotic marketplace.” She was frank, saying,
dents just never get lucky, and maybe more men than women are in
“Black females do not fit the conventional standard of beauty.”
that category, but most students who don’t hook up do so by choice.
Both academic research and data from online dating sites snggest
“I simply cannot behave that way,” is how Emory put it, refer-
she’s right. There is a hierarchy of sexual desirability. White men
ring to the hookups he saw all around him. He’s not the only
and women, black men, and Asian women are at the top of this
OPT IN G OUT
/
93
guy who feels that way. One man at the University of Houston,
for example, insisted that sex was “super personal and super intimate,” not something he engaged in with just anyone. “It would
,-01 /
be so uncomfortable to have sex with someone I don’t know or
with a friend,” agreed a guy at UC Santa Cruz. “I prefer building a
relationship and talking,” said a student at the University of Florida in reference to hooking up, “so something like that wouldn’t
work for me.” “For me, [sex is] definitely something you build up
to,” explained another at the University of Georgia.
Opting Out
These men, like 34 of my 101 students, opted out of hooking
up. I call them “abstainers,” students who decide that they’d rather
have no sex at all than obey the rules of hookup culture. Most of my
abstainers opted out because casual sex didn’t appeal to them. One
planned on saving sex for marriage. A few were facing family crises
mory was a romantic in both the literary and interpersonal
E
that took up their time and energy. Some had simply had enough of
sense of the word. He was majoring in creative writing with
hookup culture in high school. One identified as asexual. Some of
the hope of becoming a novelist and thought of himself as a student
these abstainers wavered, but most, like Emory, were confident that
of the human condition. Intensely interested in people, he wanted
they were making the right choice for themselves.
true connections, not furtive hookups. “I am … soft-hearted and
Not all abstainers saw it strictly as a personal choice, though.
hypersensitive,” he explained, “more interested in the timeless and
Some simply couldn’t easily take advantage of the idea that sex
seemingly archaic ideals of romantic love and relationships than in
should be fun. Jaslene, for example, a devout black lesbian who pur-
the more fast-paced, modern, ‘fuck and run’-to quote Liz Phair-
posefully chose to attend a religious school, was one of them. “I do
thoroughly unromantic, sexual lifestyle.”
Though college men have the reputation of being quite keen to
not fuck, make out with, or even kiss my friends,” she wrote early
in our semester together. Statistically speaking, I was not surprised.
have casual sex, many college men are not. In fact, the Online Col-
Hooking up isn’t “for black people,” she stated bluntly. Like
lege Social Life Survey shows us that men and women are equally
other nonwhite students, despite being quite beautiful, J aslene was
likely to report zero hookups upon graduation. Certainly some stu-
disadvantaged by the “erotic marketplace.” She was frank, saying,
dents just never get lucky, and maybe more men than women are in
“Black females do not fit the conventional standard of beauty.”
that category, but most students who don’t hook up do so by choice.
Both academic research and data from online dating sites suggest
“I simply cannot behave that way,” is how Emory put it, refer-
she’s right. There is a hierarchy of sexual desirability. White men
ring to the hookups he saw all around him. He’s not the only
and women, black men, and Asian women are at the top of this
(J’ JJJ
I
‘1 «
/
A
1•1 C: t< I .- A
I~
n V
V
I U
,--
Uf-' I IN GO UT
/
95
hierarchy; black women and Middle Eastern and Asian men tend
more conservative views about sexuality, are more likely to be vir-
to fall to the bottom.
gins, report stronger gender egalitarianism, and have lower rates of
Consistent with the erotic marketplace, the Online College
alcohol consumption, none of which makes them well-suited to the
Social Life Survey shows that black women hook up less often than
kind of casual sex happening on campus. "It's just not how I was
women and men of other races, with the exception of Asian students
raised," insisted a black man enrolled at the University of Southern
of both sexes. Asian women likely opt out voluntarily, as both men
California. Black men at Middlebury College and Ohio State felt
and women tend to prefer them, all else being equal, but many Asian
·the same. "I know we don't do what the white kids do," one said.
men feel like they're not even considered as potential sexual partners
"Ifl started hooking up," said another, "my friends would be saying
by their peers. Asao, a student ofJapanese and Mexican descent, who
j
I'm, like, 'acting white.'"
was interviewed for a study of raves, felt so discounted by his peers
In some ways, hookup culture is a white thing. Men of color are
that he left campus altogether when he wanted to party. At raves, he
stereotyped as hypersexual, even dangerously so, prompting one black
said: "You can be anybody. Black, white, Mexican, Filipino, you can
man to abstain from hooking up because he didn't think he could get }
be an alien, it don't matter." An Asian male enrolled at Occidental
away with the same level of sexual aggressiveness as white men. Sim-
College agreed. Raves are "something that you don't have to, like, be
ilarly, women of color have never been able to fully embrace the logic j
accepted to go," he explained. "You can just pay and have fun without
of sexual liberation that is captivating to so many white women. At I
racial discrimination."
the same time that middle-class white women were put on pedestals I
Among my students, those who were privileged in the erotic
as an example of asexual wholesomeness, women of color were hyper-
marketplace sometimes expressed sexual preferences that reflected
sexualized as "Jezebels," "hot Latinas," geishas, and "sexy squaws." So,
the hierarchy. They said that they were "not attracted to Asian men
for students of color, embracing hookup culture threatens to reaffirm
in the slightest," "mostly attracted to white people," "just really into
white chicks," and "only . . . attracted to Caucasian men." Some of
stereotypes about their race, not break apart stereotypes about their
gender.
the students who expressed these preferences were white themselves
Students of color are also more likely to be low-income, and
and others were not. Students who weren't at the top of the hierarchy
poor and working-class students of all races hook up less than
noticed. "Even the Asian girls that I liked," Asao said with frustra-
their more affluent peers. This may be because they are already on
tion, "they would always like white guys." "I have noticed a lot of
campus against all odds. Unlike middle- and upper-class students,
guys going after white girls," reported one of my African American
who can get away with getting into trouble, they usually have to
female students. "Girls here, especially white girls," one of my Latino
be squeaky clean to get to college at all. Low-income teenagers,
students observed, "would rather hook up with other white guys."
for example, are more than twice as likely to be arrested for drug
Of course, some of the race differences reflect the fact that stu-
crimes as middle-class youth, despite significantly lower rates of
dents of color are less inclined to hook up to begin with. Compared
drug use, and if they get pregnant, they're less likely than more
affluent youth to have an abortion.
to white students, black students are more actively religious, have
~(J'
~f
'f '4
/
A 1•1 ~ "
I .., A I'
n U
U
r U
t'
Ul-'IINGOUT
/
95
hierarchy; black women and Middle Eastern and Asian men tend
more conservative views about sexuality, are more likely to be vir-
to fall to the bottom.
gins, report stronger gender egalitarianism, and have lower rates of
Consistent with the erotic marketplace, the Online College
alcohol consumption, none of which makes them well-suited to the
Social Life Survey shows that black women hook up less often than
kind of casual sex happening on campus. "It's just not how I was
women and men of other races, with the exception of Asian students
raised," insisted a black man enrolled at the University of Southern
of both sexes. Asian women likely opt out voluntarily, as both men
California. Black men at Middlebury College and Ohio State felt
and women tend to prefer them, all else being equal, but many Asian
the same. "I know we don't do what the white kids do," one said.
men feel like they're not even considered as potential sexual partners
by their peers. Asao, a student ofJapanese and Mexican descent, who
"If I started hooking up," said another, "my friends would be saying
I'm, like, 'acting white.'"
was interviewed for a study of raves, felt so discounted by his peers
In some ways, hookup culture is a white thing. Men of color are
that he left campus altogether when he wanted to party. At raves, he
stereotyped as hypersexual, even dangerously so, prompting one black
said: "You can be anybody. Black, white, Mexican, Filipino, you can
man to abstain from hooking up because he didn't think he could get
be an alien, it don't matter." An Asian male enrolled at Occidental
~way with the same level of sexual aggressiveness as white men. Sim-
College agreed. Raves are "something that you don't have to, like, be
ilarly, women of color have never been able to fully embrace the logic 1
accepted to go," he explained. "You can just pay and have fun without
of sexual liberation that is captivating to so many white women. At 1
racial discrimination."
the same time that middle-class white women were put on pedestals I
Among my students, those who were privileged in the erotic
as an example of asexual wholesomeness, women of color were hyper-
marketplace sometimes expressed sexual preferences that reflected
sexualized as "Jezebels," "hot Latinas," geishas, and "sexy squaws." So,
the hierarchy. They said that they were "not attracted to Asian men
for students of color, embracing hookup culture threatens to reaffirm
in the slightest," "mostly attracted to white people," "just really into
white chicks," and "only . . . attracted to Caucasian men." Some of
stereotypes about their race, not break apart stereotypes about their
gender.
the students who expressed these preferences were white themselves
Students of color are also more likely to be low-income, and
and others were not. Students who weren't at the top of the hierarchy
poor and working-class students of all races hook up less than
noticed. "Even the Asian girls that I liked," Asao said with frustra-
their more affluent peers. This may be because they are already on
tion, "they would always like white guys." "I have noticed a lot of
campus against all odds. Unlike middle- and upper-class students,
guys going after white girls," reported one of my African American
who can get away with getting into trouble, they usually have to
female students. "Girls here, especially white girls," one of my Latino
be squeaky clean to get to college at all. Low-income teenagers,
students observed, "would rather hook up with other white guys."
for example, are more than twice as likely to be arrested for drug
Of course, some of the race differences reflect the fact that stu-
crimes as middle-class youth, despite significantly lower rates of
dents of color are less inclined to hook up to begin with. Compared
drug use, and if they get pregnant, they're less likely than more
to white students, black students are more actively religious, have
affluent youth to have an abortion.
I
' .:r.j
UPTING OUT
/
97
('' :J~•' Roslyn, a part-white part-Latina student from a humble eco-
gelical Christians hook up a little less, Catholics hook up more),
~- nomic background, recognized these realities. "Some of us with
but regular attendance at services does appear to correlate with
serious financial aid and grants or scholarships," she wrote, "tend to
lower levels of casual sexual activity for women. In contrast, men
avoid high-risk situations." She continued, thoughtfully:
who attend church are actually more likely to hook up than nonreligious men.
I feel like students on less or no financial aid have grown up in
If her race, economic background, and religion hadn't soured
lives where everything is purchasable and there are not as many
Jaslene on hooking up, though, it is likely that her sexual orienta-
consequences: tickets and citations get paid for, your education
tion would have. It depends on the school, but hookup culture is
is paid for, and your drugs and alcohol are paid for, too. I'm
usually indifferent to or unwelcoming of non-heterosexual students.
not a goody two shoes or anything, and neither is my cousin,
Recent profiles of sex on campus in Rolling Stone and New York
but we are very serious and grateful for the opportunities we've
magazines make sex at Syracuse, Tulane, NYU, and Bard seem like
been given and don't want to lose them.
an experimentalist's dream, with demi-sexuals, queers, non-binary
Low-income young people who get to college may be more
genders, and a general distaste for labels, but I suspect they're overstating their case.
averse to risky behavior than middle- and upper-class ones, and
Wren, for example, described her secular, left-leaning campus
they may retain that cautionary approach to life even after they get
as "quietly oppressive." She identified as pansexual and was hoping
to campus.
for a "queer haven," but she was let down. People weren't overtly
Working-class students may also be studying harder to make up
homophobic very often, and in classrooms her peers eagerly dis-
for a substandard high school education or working to make ends
mantled the gender binary and theorized queer sex, but outside of
meet, which leaves less time for partying. Or they might be liv-
the classroom, and especially at parties, they "reverted back into
ing at home to save money. The family of one commuting student,
gendered codes" and "masculine bullshit." When night fell, stu-
Kim-Li, had only one car, so she got a ride to school every day from
dents weren't feminist or queer at all. Everything, she observed,
her parents. They dropped her off just before 7 a.m. on their way
to work and picked her up at 6:15 p.m. on their way home. As you
was "superhetero." She wrote transfer essays and almost didn't come
back after her first year.
might imagine, she spent a lot of time hanging out in the library
In contrast, when Lanie arrived on campus, she didn't even try
and was almost never on campus after dinnertime. "Dreadful," is
to integrate into the wider hookup scene. "I definitely like girls," she
how she described it, "because that is the time when all of the excit-
said right away in her journal and immediately joined the LGBTQ
ing things begin to happen on campus."
club. "Qlickly," she wrote happily, "I was flirting with multiple
For Jaslene, though, religion was the biggest factor. "I want to
girls, and even hooking up (no strings attached) with one of them."
be faithful to God," she said simply. Religious students aren't any
She met lots of women she liked and enjoyed being openly gay for
less likely to hook up than non-religious ones (Muslims and evan-
the first time. Her group of friends brought more and more women
~
7
V
M
1·1 L
J" I ..., M
1'4
It V
V
"
U
r
OPTING OUT
/
97
Roslyn, a pan-white pact-Latina student from a humble eco-
gelical Christians hook up a little less, Catholics hook up more),
nomic background, recognized these realities. "Some of us with
but regular attendance at services does appear to correlate with
serious financial aid and grants or scholarships," she wrote, "tend to
lower levels of casual sexual activity for women. In contrast, men
avoid high-risk situations." She continued, thoughtfully:
who attend church are actually more likely to hook up than nonreligious men.
I feel like students on less or no financial aid have grown up in
If her race, economic background, and religion hadn't soured
lives where everything is purchasable and there are not as many
Jaslene on hooking up, though, it is likely that her sexual orienta-
consequences: tickets and citations get paid for, your education
tion would have. It depends on the school, but hookup culture is
is paid for, and your drugs and alcohol are paid for, too. I'm
usually indifferent to or unwelcoming of non-heterosexual students.
not a goody two shoes or anything, and neither is my cousin,
Recent profiles of sex on campus in Rolling Stone and New York
but we are very serious and grateful for the opportunities we've
magazines make sex at Syracuse, Tulane, NYU, and Bard seem like
been given and don't want to lose them.
an experimentalist's dream, with demi-sexuals, queers, non-binary
Low-income young people who get to college may be more
genders, and a general distaste for labels, but I suspect they're overstating their case.
averse to risky behavior than middle- and upper-class ones, and
Wren, for example, described her secular, left-leaning campus
they may retain that cautionary approach to life even after they get
as "quietly oppressive." She identified as pansexual and was hoping
to campus.
for a "queer haven," but she was let down. People weren't overtly
Working-class students may also be studying harder to make up
homophobic very often, and in classrooms her peers eagerly dis-
for a substandard high school education or working to make ends
mantled the gender binary and theorized queer sex, but outside of
meet, which leaves less time for partying. Or they might be liv-
the classroom, and especially at parties, they "reverted back into
ing at home to save money. The family of one commuting student,
gendered codes" and "masculine bullshit." When night fell, stu-
Kim-Li, had only one car, so she got a ride to school every day from
dents weren't feminist or queer at all. Everything, she observed,
her parents. They dropped her off just before 7 a.m. on their way
to work and picked her up at 6:15 p.m. on their way home. As you
was "superhetero." She wrote transfer essays and almost didn't come
back after her first year.
might imagine, she spent a lot of time hanging out in the library
In contrast, when Lanie arrived on campus, she didn't even try
and was almost never on campus after dinnertime. "Dreadful," is
to integrate into the wider hookup scene. "I definitely like girls," she
how she described it, "because that is the time when all of the excit-
said right away in her journal and immediately joined the LGBTQ
ing things begin to happen on campus."
club. "Qyickly," she wrote happily, "I was flirting with multiple
For Jaslene, though, religion was the biggest factor. "I want to
girls, and even hooking up (no strings attached) with one of them."
be faithful to God," she said simply. Religious students aren't any
She met lots of women she liked and enjoyed being openly gay for
less likely to hook up than non-religious ones (Muslims and evan-
the first time. Her group of friends brought more and more women
AMt:Kll..,AI~
HUUIU>‘
OPTING OUT
/
99
into the fold as the year progressed and there were some sweet sto-
queer or queer-curious women at the party. Ironically, one study
ries oflesbian sexual debuts. Lanie didn’t opt out of hooking up, but
found that college women who participate in girl-on-girl kissing
she arguably opted out of hookup culture. She kept to a close-knit
are more homophobic than women who don’t. The irony is not lost
group of out lesbians who built their own community. Accordingly,
on women who are attracted to women, some of whom find it quite
she had a different experience than Wren.
obnoxious that heterosexual girls can kiss other girls in public with-
Qyeer-friendly niches exist on many campuses, to be sure, but
they’re niches, an alternative scene to a much larger, more promi-
out the risk of reproach, but they can’t. “It’s making a mockery of
us,” said one.
nent, and strongly heterocentrist one. Most big parties are not particularly friendly to non-heterosexuals, while queer-friendly ones
are less frequent and usually don’t attract many non-queer students.
•
•
•
Likewise, conversations about same-sex hookups don’t pervade
As a God-fearing black lesbian, Jaslene had little interest in hook-
campuses the way talk about heterosexual ones do. Qyeer students
ing up, but it still felt like a sacrifice. “I feel like I’m missing out on
often thrive in college, but they generally remain on the margins
the ‘whole college experience,'” she wrote in her journal one day,
explaining:
and exert a negligible social impact on the larger culture.
Meanwhile, lesbians like Jaslene and Lanie, and pansexuals like
Wren, often don’t feel comfortable in the dominant gender-conformist
As much as I hate admitting it to myself, I feel incredibly left
heterosexual scene. It “just screams so much like prostitution to me,”
out … because all my friends want to do is hook up and are
said one. “You know, even if [girls are] not literally having sex with
hooking up with other people, but all I can do is watch or go
back to the dorm and do G-rated things.
the guys, it’s just like they’re … selling their flirtiness for beer or
something, and that’s just so not me.” A UC Santa Barbara student
who identified as bisexual reported that being out about her sexual
J aslene had opted out of hooking up, but she was still in hookup
orientation at parties attracted a kind of attention that she didn’t
culture and, since her college was a total institution, there was little
want. “If a guy finds out I’m bisexual,” she said, “it’s all of a sudden
like, ‘threesome?'” Having one’s identity sexualized for the benefit of
opportunity to get out. She was having, in other words, the experience of being an “outsider within.”
heterosexual men can make the typical college party unpleasant for
The concept was first used by sociologist Patricia Hill Collins
bisexual and lesbian women.
to describe the place that black people have historically held in a
Parties can be overtly hostile, too. The only same-sex behav-
white supremacist society. Black people were not allowed to fully
ior that routinely goes on at college parties is girl-on-girl kissing,
participate in white life, but they were still inextricably inside of it.
an activity that is premised on the assumption that their desire for
They chauffeured white businessmen, and were privy to the most
one another is pretend. It only works, in other words, if the het-
secret of negotiations. They cooled the foreheads of dying patients,
erosexual women involved feel confident that there are no actual
at their bedsides in their final moments. They even nursed white
AMtKI…AI~
HUUIUt’
OPTING OUT
/
99
into the fold as the year progressed and there were some sweet sto-
queer or queer-curious women at the party. Ironically, one study
ries oflesbian sexual debuts. Lanie didn’t opt out of hooking up, but
found that college women who participate in girl-on-girl kissing
she arguably opted out of hookup culture. She kept to a close-knit
are more homophobic than women who don’t. The irony is not lost
group of out lesbians who built their own community. Accordingly,
on women who are attracted to women, some of whom find it quite
she had a different experience than Wren.
obnoxious that heterosexual girls can kiss other girls in public with-
Qyeer-friendly niches exist on many campuses, to be sure, but
they’re niches, an alternative scene to a much larger, more promi-
out the risk of reproach, but they can’t. “It’s making a mockery of
us,” said one.
nent, and strongly heterocentrist one. Most big parties are not particularly friendly to non-heterosexuals, while queer-friendly ones
•
•
•
are less frequent and usually don’t attract many non-queer students.
Likewise, conversations about same-sex hookups don’t pervade
As a God-fearing black lesbian, Jaslene had little interest in hook-
campuses the way talk about heterosexual ones do. Qyeer students
ing up, but it still felt like a sacrifice. “I feel like I’m missing out on
often thrive in college, but they generally remain on the margins
the ‘whole college experience,'” she wrote in her journal one day,
explaining:
and exert a negligible social impact on the larger culture.
Meanwhile, lesbians like Jaslene and Lanie, and pansexuals like
Wren, often don’t feel comfortable in the dominant gender-conformist
As much as I hate admitting it to myself, I feel incredibly left
heterosexual scene. It “just screams so much like prostitution to me,”
out . .. because all my friends want to do is hook up and are
said one. “You know, even if [girls are] not literally having sex with
hooking up with other people, but all I can do is watch or go
the guys, it’s just like they’re … selling their flirtiness for beer or
back to the dorm and do G-rated things.
something, and that’s just so not me.” A UC Santa Barbara student
who identified as bisexual reported that being out about her sexual
Jaslene had opted out of hooking up, but she was still in hookup
orientation at parties attracted a kind of attention that she didn’t
culture and, since her college was a total institution, there was little
want. “If a guy finds out I’m bisexual,” she said, “it’s all of a sudden
like, ‘threesome?”‘ Having one’s identity sexualized for the benefit of
opportunity to get out. She was having, in other words, the experience of being an “outsider within.”
heterosexual men can make the typical college party unpleasant for
The concept was first used by sociologist Patricia Hill Collins
bisexual and lesbian women.
to describe the place that black people have historically held in a
Parties can be overtly hostile, too. The only same-sex behav-
white supremacist society. Black people were not allowed to fully
ior that routinely goes on at college parties is girl-on-girl kissing,
participate in white life, but they were still inextricably inside of it.
an activity that is premised on the assumption that their desire for
They chauffeured white businessmen, and were privy to the most
one another is pretend. It only works, in other words, if the het-
secret of negotiations. They cooled the foreheads of dying patients,
erosexual women involved feel confident that there are no actual
at their bedsides in their final moments. They even nursed white
I U U
AMtKIL-1-l’l
UI-‘ I ING OUT
HUVl’.Ut’
/
101
babies, sharing their body’s milk with the children of their oppres-
together and they did, after which Jimena went back to her room
sors. They were literally inside of white bodies, but never an insider.
alone. A few hours later, Cassidy returned, reporting that she had
To be an outsider within is to find oneself embedded in a society
gone back to Chad’s to have sex. “I was astounded,” Jimena wrote,
that isn’t for you and is unresponsive or even hostile to your needs.
but Cassidy was just warming up.
Hookup culture is not on a par with white supremacy, but the
Cassidy routinely brought men back to their shared room and
idea of being an outsider within is useful for understanding what
it quickly became clear that she was perfectly happy to have sex
it felt like for Jaslene to be inside hookup culture, but not hooking
with her roommate present. The first time it happened, Jimena was
up. It was a feeling that many of my abstainers expressed. Jime-
watching TV on her computer in bed. It was about four in the after-
na’s experience was probably the most extreme illustration of this
noon, sunny outside, on the second Saturday since they’d moved
phenomenon.
Jimena used the phrase “culture shock” to describe her first year
in. Cassidy and a guy named Declan had been drinking most of
in college. Growing up with strict Nicaraguan parents, she had
said something about dinner (again) and Declan turned to Cassidy,
been forbidden to wear makeup and required to wear long skirts
pulled down her navy blue leggings and underwear and exclaimed,
and cover her shoulders. They’d told her, and she strongly believed,
“Dinner’s right here!” Cassidy squealed and laughed, falling back
that “sex is a serious matter” and that bodies should be “respected,
on the bed. He climbed on top of her as Jimena spun to face her
exalted, prized.” For her, sex was inconceivable in the absence of
computer and the wall. “What’s happening!” she cried. Cassidy
love, so it’s no surprise that hookup culture was jarring. She also
replied: “Sex is happening!”
just so happened to be placed with the most sexually inconsiderate
roommate in all of my students’ journals: Cassidy.
the day and had just come back in from smoking weed. Someone
Jimena froze with her back to the pair. ”I was in shock,” she
said when I asked her why she didn’t flee the room. She had never
Cassidy was very likable and Jimena enjoyed having her as a
seen two consenting adults having sex before and she was afraid
roommate. She was funny and sweet. She made the school dance
to look. Leaving seemed like the obvious thing to do, but climb-
team and Jimena, being too coltish for dancing herself, admired her
ing down from her bunk, collecting her things, and getting out the
coordination. They got along well, generally speaking, and some-
door would have required her to open her eyes. It was strangely
times had long conversations about trouble with their families. In
easier to just wait it out. So, that’s what she did, catching reflected
some ways, they could really relate.
In other ways, though, they were as different as different could
glimpses of Declan’s bobbing buttocks each time her screen went
be. On their second day on campus, while Jimena was unpacking
Cassidy would have sex in front of Jimena three time.s that
boxes in their room, Cassidy sat cross-legged on her bunk with her
semester. By the third time, Jimena had figured out how to spot the
phone up close to her face, narrating Tinder. She swiped right and
early signs and quickly gather her things and get out. Students call
left and left and right and before long she matched with another
it being “sexiled,” though usually they are given fair warning to get
new student named Chad. She suggested they all meet for dinner
out or stay clear.
black between commercials.
I U U
AMtHI…AI~
Uf>IING
HUU”Ut”
OUT
/
101
babies, sharing their body’s milk with the children of their oppres-
together and they did, after which Jimena went back to her room
sors. They were literally inside of white bodies, but never an insider.
alone. A few hours later, Cassidy returned, reporting that she had
To be an outsider within is to find oneself embedded in a society
gone back to Chad’s to have sex. “I was astounded,” Jimena wrote,
that isn’t for you and is unresponsive or even hostile to your needs.
but Cassidy was just warming up.
Hookup culture is not on a par with white supremacy, but the
Cassidy routinely brought men back to their shared room and
idea of being an outsider within is useful for understanding what
it quickly became clear that she was perfectly happy to have sex
it felt like for Jaslene to be inside hookup cu~ture, but not hoo~ing
with her roommate present. The first time it happened, Jimena was
up. It was a feeling that many of my abstainers expressed. J1me-
watching TV on her computer in bed. It was about four in the after-
na’s experience was probably the most extreme illustration of this
noon, sunny outside, on the second Saturday since they’d moved
phenomenon.
Jimena used the phrase “culture shock” to describe her first year
in. Cassidy and a guy named Declan had been drinking most of
in college. Growing up with strict Nicaraguan parents, she had
said something about dinner (again) and Declan turned to Cassidy,
been forbidden to wear makeup and required to wear long skirts
pulled down her navy blue leggings and underwear and exclaimed,
and cover her shoulders. They’d told her, and she strongly believed,
“Dinner’s right here!” Cassidy squealed and laughed, falling back
that “sex is a serious matter” and that bodies should be “respected,
on the bed. He climbed on top of her as Jimena spun to face her
exalted, prized.” For her, sex was inconceivable in the absence of
computer and the wall. “What’s happening!” she cried. Cassidy
love, so it’s no surprise that hookup culture was jarring. She also
replied: “Sex is happening!”
I
just so happened to be placed with the most sexually inconsiderate
roommate in all of my students’ journals: Cassidy.
the day and had just come back in from smoking weed. Someone
Jimena froze with her back to the pair. “I was in shock,” she
said when I asked her why she didn’t flee the room. She had never
Cassidy was very likable and Jimena enjoyed having her as a
seen two consenting adults having sex before and she was afraid
roommate. She was funny and sweet. She made the school dance
to look. Leaving seemed like the obvious thing to do, but climb-
team and Jimena, being too coltish for dancing herself, admired her
ing down from her bunk, collecting her things, and getting out the
coordination. They got along well, generally speaking, and some-
door would have required her to open her eyes. It was strangely
times had long conversations about trouble with their families. In
easier to just wait it out. So, that’s what she did, catching reflected
some ways, they could really relate.
In other ways, though, they were as different as different could
glimpses of Declan’s bobbing buttocks each time her screen went
be. On their second day on campus, while Jimena was unpacking
Cassidy would have sex in front of Jimena three times that
boxes in their room, Cassidy sat cross-legged on her bunk with her
semester. By the third time, Jimena had figured out how to spot the
phone up close to her face, narrating Tinder. She swiped right and
early signs and quickly gather her things and get out. Students call
left and left and right and before long she matched with another
it being “sexiled,” though usually they are given fair warning to get
new student named Chad. She suggested they all meet for dinner
out or stay clear.
black between commercials.
I UL
AMtKI…AN
HUUIUI-‘
OP T ING OUT
/
103
When she explained to her roommate that this made her
one wing of her residence hall and the other. Students were laugh-
uncomfortable, Cassidy would agree to be more respectful and her
ing, chasing one another like schoolchildren, tackling each other on
exhibitionism would die down for a while, but it was never gone for
the lawn, and tripping into the bushes underneath Petra’s window.
good. In any case, even when Jimena was spared the front-row seat,
Their voices rang across the courtyard as they squealed, called out
.
Cassidy was eager to share all the details of each and every sexual
to one another, and belted out drinking songs. “They were totally
encounter. “It irritates me,” Jimena wrote, but she was a conciliatory
wasted,” Petra recalled.
person and wanted to get along.
Sometimes overhearing her dormmates’ excitement about par-
Most abstainers did not have a roommate like Cassidy, though
tying and hooking up made her question her priorities. “I feel like
many found themselves occasionally sexiled. Even those who didn’t
I am kind of a weirdo,” she wrote late one night. Like Jaslene, she
have sexually active roommates felt surrounded by hookup culture,
wondered if she was missing out. Other abstainers worried, too, call-
if less explicitly. Petra’s experience was more typical. Like Jimena,
ing themselves “outcasts,” “losers,” and “prudes.” Many said that they
she had no interest in going to its parties. She and her roommate,
felt “lonely,” “isolated,” or “pathetic.” One wrote that hookup culture
she wrote, “do not like to drink or smoke.” Nor was she interested
“effectively forces people to have sex or be seen as some sort of pariah.”
in what she knew happened as the night progressed. “How could
someone!?” she wondered.
•
•
•
She spent most evenings in her dorm room and, especially on
Friday and Saturday nights, hookup culture swirled around her. It
Some of my abstainers’ sense of exclusion came not from the deci-
was routine for her to shuffle in her slippers past women taking
sion to abstain itself, but from the fact that they weren’t part of
selfies in miniskirts. She would brush her teeth alongside women
hookup culture’s conversation. Remember that most students aren’t
applying eyeliner and listen to them rev one another up for the hunt.
hooking up much to begin with, so it wasn’t just the hooking up
She complained gently about the noise: “You can hear every conver-
that made abstainers feel left out. It was their inability to take part
sation occurring in the hallway even with your door closed because
in the talk about hooking up.
of the cinderblock walls and tile floors.” For hours, she wrote, she
would listen to the “click-clacking of high heels.”
On campus, sexual speculation abounds: Facebook stalking, /
Instagram hearting, Snapchatting, swiping right, flirting, whis-
Eventually the women in heels would leave, rowdily, and there
pering, relaying messages, and deciphering cryptic texts. Students
would be a reprieve. But they’d come back drunk and disorderly,
spend the week planning the weekend. Which parties will they go
now with arguments, toasts, crying spells, and elated congratula-
to? Where do they think other people are going? Who do they want
tions. Petra documented one particularly sleepless night. She was
to hook up with? Who do they want to avoid? “Every conversation
jolted awake by someone exclaiming “I am so fucked up right now!”
that my friends and I have,” one of my male students wrote excit-
outside her window. It was 3 a.m., the house party had been shut
edly, “revolves around sex in some way.” “Hookup culture is all over
down, and the revelry had moved to the small courtyard between
the place on campus,” wrote another. “Every conversation, every
I UL
AMt.KILAN
HUUKUt’
UPllNG
OUT
/
103
When she explained to her roommate that this made her
one wing of her residence hall and the other. Students were laugh-
uncomfortable, Cassidy would agree to be more respectful and her
ing, chasing one another like schoolchildren, tackling each other on
exhibitionism would die down for a while, but it was never gone for
the lawn, and tripping into the bushes underneath Petra’s window.
good. In any case, even when Jimena was spared the front-row seat,
Their voices rang across the courtyard as they squealed, called out
Cassidy was eager to share all the details of each and every sexual
to one another, and belted out drinking songs. “They were totally
encounter. “It irritates me,” Jimena wrote, but she was a conciliatory
wasted,” Petra recalled.
Sometimes overhearing her dormmates’ excitement about par-
person and wanted to get along.
Most abstainers did not have a roommate like Cassidy, though
tying and hooking up made her question her priorities. “I feel like
many found themselves occasionally sexiled. Even those who didn’t
I am kind of a weirdo,” she wrote late one night. Like J aslene, she
have sexually active roommates felt surrounded by hookup culture,
wondered if she was missing out. Other abstainers worried, too, call-
if less explicitly. Petra’s experience was more typical. Like Jimena,
ing themselves “outcasts,” “losers,” and “prudes.” Many said that they
she had no interest in going to its parties. She and her roommate,
felt “lonely,” “isolated,” or “pathetic.” One wrote that hookup culture
she wrote, “do not like to drink or smoke.” Nor was she interested
“effectively forces people to have sex or be seen as some sort of pariah.”
in what she knew happened as the night progressed. “How could
someone!?” she wondered.
She spent most evenings in her dorm room and, especially on
Friday and Saturday nights, hookup culture swirled around her. It
Some of my abstainers’ sense of exclusion came not from the deci-
was routine for her to shuffle in her slippers past women taking
sion to abstain itself, but from the fact that they weren’t part of
selfies in miniskirts. She would brush her teeth alongside women
hookup culture’s conversation. Remember that most students aren’t
applying eyeliner and listen to them rev one another up for the hunt.
hooking up much to begin with, so it wasn’t just the hooking up
She complained gently about the noise: “You can hear every conver-
that made abstainers feel left out. It was their inability to take part
sation occurring in the hallway even with your door closed because
in the talk about hooking up.
of the cinderblock walls and tile floors.” For hours, she wrote, she
would listen to the “click-clacking of high heels.”
On campus, sexual speculation abounds: Facebook stalking,
Instagram hearting, Snapchatting, swiping right, flirting, whis-
Eventually the women in heels would leave, rowdily, and there
pering, relaying messages, and deciphering cryptic texts. Students
would be a reprieve. But they’d come back drunk and disorderly,
spend the week planning the weekend. Which parties will they go
now with arguments, toasts, crying spells, and elated congratula-
to? Where do they think other people are going? Who do they want
tions. Petra documented one particularly sleepless night. She was
to hook up with? Who do they want to avoid? “Every conversation
jolted awake by someone exclaiming “I am so fucked up right now!”
that my friends and I have,” one of my male students wrote excit-
outside her window. It was 3 a.m., the house party had been shut
edly, “revolves around sex in some way.” “Hookup culture is all over
down, and the revelry had moved to the small courtyard between
the place on campus,” wrote another. “Every conversation, every
104
/
AMERICAN HUUKUI-‘
‘ meeting is used to create a platform for a potential sexual encounter
to occur,” wrote a third.
V I I I I~ .:t
VU I
I U !)
For at least one of my abstainers, this had a fortunate upside.
Marisol described her previous educational experiences as “freak-
Sometimes the subtle flirting and not-so-subtle propositioning
ishly sheltered.” She attended private religious schools that, she
turns into real action. Or, to put it another way, it becomes fod-
laughed, were “this sort of rare institution that many believe went
der for the “recap.” Mornings after big party nights, there’s a ritual
extinct right along with orange lipstick.” Students were taught that
retelling of the night before. Students fill their friends in on blurry
putting on makeup in front of a man was equivalent to undress-
memories, reassure one another that they didn’t act too crazy, stroke
ing in front of him and watched a film in which Ted Bundy, the
the egos of disappointed friends, and brag.
serial killer, attributed his murderousness to pornography. “To my
the “morning debrief.” It “takes up, like, half our day,” said one.
high school,” Marisol wrote, “sex was the sole reason for teenage
corruption.”
“Talking about it is, like, the best.” “Who did you hook up with last
Despite all the fear-mongering, she fell in love with .a boy in
night?” is the “common question” asked every Sunday morning at
her sophomore year of high school. Then the unimaginable hap-
Tulane and Connecticut College. “Romantic entanglements at this
pened. One night he asked very nicely if he could put his fingers
school,” wrote a woman enrolled at Whitman, “end with some juicy
“inside” her and she was struck by a great terror. “A panic gripped
new gossip to share at brunch the next morning.”
me so deeply I couldn’t breathe,” she recalled. “I started saying NO
At the University of Southern California, students call it
“Most hooking up happens so that someone can say they did
very loudly repeatedly and then burst into tears.” In that moment,
something,” confirmed one of my female students. Being able to
answer yes to the simple question “Did you get some?” prompts
memories of being sexually molested as a small child came flooding
back to her.
a dramatic play-by-play. Doing things outside of students’ every-
Marisol was devastated. She tried to reconcile the messages she
day sexual repertoire is especially exciting, earning others’ awe and
had received her entire life-that sex was “terribly i~moral” and
envy. Anything out of the ordinary-sex in the laundry rooms or in
that sexually active girls “would be punished by God”-with the
the baseball dugout, sex with ice cubes or erotic toys, threesomes or
sudden realization that she had been touched sexually and perhaps
foursomes, anything new or audacious-can mean an hour or more
penetrated. She looked around at her high school friends and felt a
of story time.
Students go back to their rooms after brunch to edit and upload
painful and isolating shame: “All of these girls were completely sex-
photos and stories to social media. “I think a lot of our hookup cul-
sol held these feelings close to her chest, in silent pain.
ually pure and I had unwillingly experienced sex.” For years Mari-
ture and party culture is glamorized,” wrote one student, referring
Arriving at college changed this. If her high school friends had
to sites like Instagram and Facebook. “A big part of these parties,”
had positive or negative sexual experiences, Marisol didn’t know,
another explained, “is also taking mobile pictures,” and their “sole
but her college friends weren’t so reserved. On campus, she wrote,
purpose” is so one’s whole social network can see that one is having
women talked “openly and freely about sex” and many of them,
a GREAT time at college.”
like her, had stories of rape, abuse, and molestation. Being around
104
/
AMERICAN
HUUKUf-‘
‘ meeting is used to create a platform for a potential sexual encounter
to occur,” wrote a third.
V
r
I I l’I .:,
V
U
I
I U:)
For at least one of my abstainers, this had a fortunate upside.
Marisol described her previous educational experiences as “freak-
Sometimes the subtle flirting and not-so-subtle propositioning
ishly sheltered.” She attended private religious schools that, she
turns into real action. Or, to put it another way, it becomes fod-
laughed, were “this sort of rare institution that many believe went
der for the “recap.” Mornings after big party nights, there’s a ritual
extinct right along with orange lipstick.” Students were taught that
retelling of the night before. Students fill their friends in on blurry
putting on makeup in front of a man was equivalent to undress-
memories, reassure one another that they didn’t act too crazy, stroke
ing in front of him and watched a film in which Ted Bundy, the
the egos of disappointed friends, and brag.
serial killer, attributed his murderousness to pornography. “To my
the “morning debrief.” It “takes up, like, half our day,” said one.
high school,” Marisol wrote, “sex was the sole reason for teenage
corruption.”
“Talking about it is, like, the best.” “Who did you hook up with last
Despite all the fear-mongering, she fell in love with .a boy in
night?” is the “common question” asked every Sunday morning at
her sophomore year of high school. Then the unimaginable hap-
Tulane and Connecticut College. “Romantic entanglements at this
pened. One night he asked very nicely if he could put his fingers
school,” wrote a woman enrolled at Whitman, “end with some juicy
“inside” her and she was struck by a great terror. ”A panic gripped
new gossip to share at brunch the next morning.”
me so deeply I couldn’t breathe,” she recalled. “I started saying NO
At the University of Southern California, students call it
“Most hooking up happens so that someone can say they did
very loudly repeatedly and then burst into tears.” In that moment,
something,” confirmed one of my female students. Being able to
answer yes to the simple question “Did you get some?” prompts
memories of being sexually molested as a small child came flooding
back to her.
a dramatic play-by-play. Doing things outside of students’ every-
Marisol was devastated. She tried to reconcile the messages she
day sexual repertoire is especially exciting, earning others’ awe and
had received her entire life-that sex was “terribly immoral” and
envy. Anything out of the ordinary-sex in the laundry rooms or in
that sexually active girls “would be punished by God”-with the
the baseball dugout, sex with ice cubes or erotic toys, threesomes or
sudden realization that she had been touched sexually and perhaps
foursomes, anything new or audacious-can mean an hour or more
penetrated. She looked around at her high school friends and felt a
of story time.
Students go back to their rooms after brunch to edit and upload
painful and isolating shame: ”All of these girls were completely sex-
photos and stories to social media. “I think a lot of our hookup cul-
sol held these feelings close to her chest, in silent pain.
ually pure and I had unwillingly experienced sex.” For years Mari-
ture and party culture is glamorized,” wrote one student, referring
Arriving at college changed this. If her high school friends had
to sites like Instagram and Facebook. “A big part of these parties,”
had positive or negative sexual experiences, Marisol didn’t know,
another explained, “is also taking mobile pictures,” and their “sole
but her college friends weren’t so reserved. On campus, she wrote,
purpose” is so one’s whole social network can see that one is having
women talked “openly and freely about sex” and many of them,
a GREAT time at college.”
like her, had stories of rape, abuse, and molestation. Being around
I U
U
these women gave Marisol a new way to think about what had
life-and-death battle being fought 1,000 miles away. The week her
happened to her. “I have met many girls here who have been sexu-
mother underwent surgery, Laura’s writing started to sound hollow,
ally assaulted, raped, and molested and have lived through it,” she
as if she were witnessing college life from far, far away.
explained. “I have been able to truly realize that being molested is
simply something that happened to me, it is not and never will be
I learn about infants’ ability to comprehend the continuity of
the person I am.”
objects in cognitive science class and my mind rebuts, “but my
For some abstainers, being around people who were open about
their sexual activity was quite good. Marisol needed a different way
mom is in the hospital.” I try to sleep and my mind protests,
“Do you know that your mom is in the hospital?”
of thinking about what had happened to her, so the explicitness
of hookup culture was helpful. Other students, though, with other
crises, found the culture’s dominance on campus to be suffocating.
Numbly, Laura entertained her friend’s dalliances in hookup
culture:
This was true for Laura. About a month after she described
grinding as a “bestial rubbing of genitals,” she learned that her
My friend Kelsey twirls in her new skirt, worries about a stain,
mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer and she was imme-
clips it with a pin because it is too loose. Do I think that it will
diately gripped by an all-consuming and intolerable dread. “In my
look okay if she wears it “with a tight shirt”? She is very, very
mind,” she said of the day she found out, “she is the way I saw her
worried about a kind-of-date she has with an older boy.
last at the airport.” She wrote in present tense, as if to hold the
memory close:
Laura encouraged Kelsey to be herself and have a good time.
“I listen while she complains about him and the way he says Pri-
She hugs me twice ferociously, her collarbones chafing at my
uses are ‘girl cars,'” she wrote, and she conceded, “Priuses may be
neck, a feeling that has come to mean love. I see the chance of
girl cars, but does she know, has she heard that my mom is in the
rain in her eyes and give her a sideways look. “Mooom,” I say
hospital?”
in the voice of an exasperated six-year-old girl and she rear-
Overwhelmed with anxiety and worry, her friends’ sexual and
ranges her face. I tell her I love her for the second time in ten
romantic flings seemed trifling, yet she felt obligated to indulge
seconds and it feels urgent. She rejoins quickly and then she is
them. She pretended to care about their small interpersonal dra-
in the car. I am walking away and in spite of my bags and my
mas, suppressing the voice inside her that was ever more insistently
irrational fear that there is no way I can make my plane, I am
reminding her that her mother was sick. It was exhausting. “Even
turning, looking back.
the frivolous superficiality of the hookup culture,” she wrote, “does
not come without a stifling, unbearable weight.”
The reasons for her mother’s urgency at the airport had become
all too clear, but the semester marched forward, not yielding to the
IV U
M
1•1 C.
n. I …. M
1’4
I I V
V
”
U
r
these women gave Marisol a new way to think about what had
life-and-death battle being fought 1,000 miles away. The week her
happened to her. “I have met many girls here who have been sexu-
mother underwent surgery, Laura’s writing started to sound hollow,
ally assaulted, raped, and molested and have lived through it,” she
as if she were witnessing college life from far, far away.
explained. “I have been able to truly realize that being molested is
simply something that happened to me, it is not and never will be
I learn about infants’ ability to comprehend the continuity of
the person I am.”
objects in cognitive science class and my mind rebuts, “but my
For some abstainers, being around people who were open about
their sexual activity was quite good. Marisol needed a different way
mom is in the hospital.” I try to sleep and my mind protests,
“Do you know that your mom is in the hospital?”
of thinking about what had happened to her, so the explicitness
of hookup culture was helpful. Other students, though, with other
crises, found the culture’s dominance on campus to be suffocating.
Numbly, Laura entertained her friend’s dalliances in hookup
culture:
This was true for Laura. About a month after she described
grinding as a “bestial rubbing of genitals,” she learned that her
My friend Kelsey twirls in her new skirt, worries about a stain,
mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer and she was imme-
clips it with a pin because it is too loose. Do I think that it will
diately gripped by an all-consuming and intolerable dread. “In my
look okay if she wears it “with a tight shirt”? She is very, very
mind,” she said of the day she found out, “she is the way I saw her
worried about a kind-of-date she has with an older boy.
last at the airport.” She wrote in present tense, as if to hold the
memory close:
Laura encouraged Kelsey to be herself and have a good time.
“I listen while she complains about him and the way he says Pri-
She hugs me twice ferociously, her collarbones chafing at my
uses are ‘girl cars,'” she wrote, and she conceded, “Priuses may be
neck, a feeling that has come to mean love. I see the chance of
girl cars, but does she know, has she heard that my mom is in the
rain in her eyes and give her a sideways look. “Mooom,” I say
hospital?”
in the voice of an exasperated six-year-old girl and she rear-
Overwhelmed with anxiety and worry, her friends’ sexual and
ranges her face. I tell her I love her for the second time in ten
romantic flings seemed trifling, yet she felt obligated to indulge
seconds and it feels urgent. She rejoins quickly and then she is
them. She pretended to care about their small interpersonal dra-
in the car. I am walking away and in spite of my bags and my
mas, suppressing the voice inside her that was ever more insistently
irrational fear that there is no way I can make my plane, I am
reminding her that her mother was sick. It was exhausting. “Even
turning, looking back.
the frivolous superficiality of the hookup culture,” she wrote, “does
not come without a stifling, unbearable weight.”
The reasons for her mother’s urgency at the airport had become
all too clear, but the semester marched forward, not yielding to the
•
•
•
Abstainers were at risk of being in “interpersonal purgatory.” Those
kept talking about it.” Alone in her dorm room, she picked out an
who couldn’t or wouldn’t talk the talk could be invisible, unintelli-
outfit: a fitted heather-grey shirt with cap sleeves and black pants
gible. Jimena tried adding her two cents, for example, but her words
atop short slouchy black boots. She liked what she saw in the mirror,
bounced off the collective conversation. “When I speak my mind,”
but she wasn’t sure what to do. “The problem was,” she explained,
she wrote, “people laugh at me.” She was one of the few students in
“I didn’t have anyone to go with.” She thought about going by her-
my sample who would say out loud that hooking up wasn’t morally
self, but was nervous that she wasn’t dressed quite right. Without a
acceptable, for her or for anybody else. Her peers would respond
bunch of women to pregame with, she couldn’t know what anyone
with what came to sound like a refrain: “But this is college,” “This
else was wearing and she didn’t want to stand out. She looked at
is how college is,” and “This is the time to do this.” One guy said,
herself in the mirror again and lost heart. She flounced down on
mockingly: “Oh what? You’re saving yourself for marriage? That
her bed, pulled off her boots, and put her pajamas back on.
goes out the window when you get to college.” Then he offered to
Like Violet, many students felt that their sex life and their social
hook up with her if she would consent to a threesome. Her ideas
life were one and the same. They said so often and explicitly: “I feel
didn’t fit, so neither did she.
that ifl don’t engage in the party scene,” wrote one, “I am excluded
Other much less conservative students, like Violet, had a similar
from making friends with many of my fellow classmates.” Partying
experience. Violet had no moral qualms about hooking up; she just
and hooking up, insisted another, “is the only way to make friends.”
felt “awkward” about going to parties because she had a boyfriend
“Hookup culture = social life,” another concluded, simply making
who lived across town, so she had nothing to contribute to the con-
an equation. “If you do not have sex,” one student wrote forcefully,
versation on campus. She felt, moreover, that more party-oriented
“you are not in the community.”
women were suspicious of her opinion of them: “I often feel like
But why didn’t Violet make friends with Emory, the romantic;
the other people feel like I’m judging them for drinking or hooking
Jimena, Laura, or Petra; or any of the other abstainers who lived
up,” she reported, though she wasn’t.
more than a dorm room away? A third of students opted out, cer-
This left her feeling disconnected from her peers. She had
exactly three friends: her roommate and the two women who
tainly enough to build a vibrant alternative community. If abstainers were lonely, it wasn’t because they were alone.
lived next door. “We stay in our dorm rooms most of the time,”
This flummoxed sociologists Elizabeth Armstrong and Laura
she confessed. She suspected that there were other women like
Hamilton, too. For their research, they secured a room in a resi-
her outside of her immediate environment, but she didn’t know
dence hall and put together a team of graduate and undergraduate
where they were. She was diagnosed with clinical depression in
students to occupy it. They stayed throughout the academic year,
the spring and attributed it partly to the lack of “fun” and social
becoming a part of the lives of the women who lived on the hall.
support.
They found students like Violet at their college as well, ones who
Near the end of the year she tried to get up the courage to go to
a party. It was one of the biggest dances of the year and “everyone
didn’t make friends with either their party-oriented peers or one
another. They came to call students like these “isolates.”
Abstainers were at risk of being in “interpersonal purgatory.” Those
kept talking about it.” Alone in her dorm room, she picked out an
who couldn’t or wouldn’t talk the talk could be invisible, unintelli-
outfit: a fitted heather-grey shirt with cap sleeves and black pants
gible. Jimena tried adding her two cents, for example, but her words
atop short slouchy black boots. She liked what she saw in the mirror,
bounced off the collective conversation. “When I speak my mind,”
but she wasn’t sure what to do. “The problem was,” she explained,
she wrote, “people laugh at me.” She was one of the few students in
“I didn’t have anyone to go with.” She thought about going by her-
my sample who would say out loud that hooking up wasn’t morally
self, but was nervous that she wasn’t dressed quite right. Without a
acceptable, for her or for anybody else. Her peers would respond
bunch of women to pregame with, she couldn’t know what anyone
with what came to sound like a refrain: “But this is college,” “This
else was wearing and she didn’t want to stand out. She looked at
is how college is,” and “This is the time to do this.” One guy said,
herself in the mirror again and lost heart. She flounced down on
mockingly: “Oh what? You’re saving yourself for marriage? That
her bed, pulled off her boots, and put her pajamas back on.
goes out the window when you get to college.” Then he offered to
Like Violet, many students felt that their sex life and their social
hook up with her if she would consent to a threesome. Her ideas
life were one and the same. They said so often and explicitly: “I feel
didn’t fit, so neither did she.
that ifl don’t engage in the party scene,” wrote one, “I am excluded
Other much less conservative students, like Violet, had a similar
from making friends with many of my fellow classmates.” Partying
experience. Violet had no moral qualms about hooking up; she just
and hooking up, insisted another, “is the only way to make friends.”
felt “awkward” about going to parties because she had a boyfriend
“Hookup culture = social life,” another concluded, simply making
who lived across town, so she had nothing to contribute to the con-
an equation. “If you do not have sex,” one student wrote forcefully,
versation on campus. She felt, moreover, that more party-oriented
“you are not in the community.”
women were suspicious of her opinion of them: “I often feel like
But why didn’t Violet make friends with Emory, the romantic;
the other people feel like I’m judging them for drinking or hooking
Jimena, Laura, or Petra; or any of the other abstainers who lived
up,” she reported, though she wasn’t.
more than a dorm room away? A third of students opted out, cer-
This left her feeling disconnected from her peers. She had
exactly three friends: her roommate and the two women who
tainly enough to build a vibrant alternative community. If abstainers were lonely, it wasn’t because they were alone.
lived next door. “We stay in our dorm rooms most of the time,”
This flummoxed sociologists Elizabeth Armstrong and Laura
she confessed. She suspected that there were other women like
Hamilton, too. For their research, they secured a room in a resi-
her outside of her immediate environment, but she didn’t know
dence hall and put together a team of graduate and undergraduate
where they were. She was diagnosed with clinical depression in
students to occupy it. They stayed throughout the academic year,
the spring and attributed it partly to the lack of “fun” and social
becoming a part of the lives of the women who lived on the hall.
support.
They found students like Violet at their college as well, ones who
Near the end of the year she tried to get up the courage to go to
a party. It was one of the biggest dances of the year and “everyone
didn’t make friends with either their party-oriented peers or one
another. They came to call students like these “isolates.”
Eventually, they concluded that isolates were so isolated that
see the late-night eateries, drugstores, coffee shops, and enter-
they didn’t even realize that other isolates were out there. One of
tainment options that serve the campus community, where stu-
their students, for example, said, “I would hear things going on …
dents buy cold medicine, study, volunteer, catch movies, fall in
and kind of feel left out because all the other women were friends,”
love, and make friends. Zoom out that far and you can see the
revealing by her choice of words that she believed she was uniquely
total institution with its myriad functions: fun, yes, but also edu-
friendless, the only person on the floor who didn’t bond with her
cation, research, art, athletics, sustenance, wellness, and jobs that
dormmates.
help pay the bills.
Students who are actively partying and hooking up occupy a lot
In that mix is Petra listening to her floormates get ready for
of psychic space. On the quad, they’re boisterous and engage in loud
parties; Wren seeking a queer erotic community; Jaslene doing
greetings. They sunbathe and play catch on the green at the first sign
G-rated things; Asao attending raves; Jimena ducking out of
of spring. At games, they paint their faces, throw their hands in the
her dorm room; Riley trying to loosen up; Kim-Li waiting for
air, and sing fight songs. They use the campus as their playground.
the library to open; Alondra dodging Murphy make-outs; Laura
Their bodies-most often white, slim,· athletic, and well dressed-
agonizing over her mom’s illness; Emory happily waiting for
convey an assured calm. They move among their peers with confi-
love; Roslyn wondering if rich students study; Violet holed up in
dence and authority. “For some reason,” observed one of my Latina
her dorm room; and all of the other students who animate this
~tudents, “they exude dominance.” All that click-clacking up and
book. Zoom out and you see the whole range of personalities and
down the hallway, hooting and hollering about hookups, and upload-
experiences.
ing, tagging, and liking online make them hypervisible. Everyone
There is a wide range of students on campus, but the diversity is sometimes invisible because of the nearly exclusive focus
else fades in comparison.
on the ones who flock to the parties to hook up. For better or
•
•
•
worse, they have been held up as the model for what college life
should be like ever since Life conflated fraternity culture with
Imagine for a moment Mara, Naomi, and the guy with sunglasses
“youth culture” in the 1920s. And still today, since they make
on the lawn of that 126-year-old frat house. These are the ones who
for much more salacious stories, they’re usually the only students
say yes, who are eager or at least willing to sample what hookup
who appear in the news and opinion pages, whether the spin is
culture has to offer.
Zoom out and you can see the entire university: classrooms,
positive or negative.
labs, offices, and administrative buildings; theaters, auditoriums,
Naomi, and men in sunglasses go to party, we lose sight of a full
and galleries; sports fields, stadiums, and gymnasiums; health
third of the college population: the abstainers, the romantics, the
clinics and counseling centers; and residence halls, cafeterias,
devout, and those who are too worried to have sex for fun. And
bookstores, and student centers. Pull a little farther out and you’ll
they pay a price. To not hook up can mean missing out on friend-
When we zoom in on wherever it is that students like Mara,
Eventually, they concluded that isolates were so isolated that
see the late-night eateries, drugstores, coffee shops, and enter-
they didn’t even realize that other isolates were out there. One of
tainment options that serve the campus community, where stu-
their students, for example, said, “I would hear things going on …
dents buy cold medicine, study, volunteer, catch movies, fall in
and kind of feel left out because all the other women were friends,”
love, and make friends. Zoom out that far and you can see the
revealing by her choice of words that she believed she was uniquely
total institution with its myriad functions: fun, yes, but also edu-
friendless, the only person on the floor who didn’t bond with her
cation, research, art, athletics, sustenance, wellness, and jobs that
dormmates.
help pay the bills.
Students who are actively partying and hooking up occupy a lot
In that mix is Petra listening to her floormates get ready for
of psychic space. On the quad, they’re boisterous and engage in loud
parties; Wren seeking a queer erotic community; Jaslene doing
greetings. They sunbathe and play catch on the green at the first sign
G-rated things; Asao attending raves; Jimena ducking out of
of spring. At games, they paint their faces, throw their hands in the
her dorm room; Riley trying to loosen up; Kim-Li waiting for
air, and sing fight songs. They use the campus as their playground.
the library to open; Alondra dodging Murphy make-outs; Laura
Their bodies-most often white, slim, athletic, and well dressed-
agonizing over her mom’s illness; Emory happily waiting for
convey an assured calm. They move among their peers with confi-
love; Roslyn wondering if rich students study; Violet holed up in
dence and authority. “For some reason,” observed one of my Latina
her dorm room; and all of the other students who animate this
ktudents, “they exude dominance.” All that click-clacking up and
book. Zoom out and you see the whole range of personalities and
down the hallway, hooting and hollering about hookups, and upload-
experiences.
ing, tagging, and liking online make them hypervisible. Everyone
There is a wide range of students on campus, but the diversity is sometimes invisible because of the nearly exclusive focus
else fades in comparison.
on the ones who flock to the parties to hook up. For better or
•
•
•
worse, they have been held up as the model for what college life
should be like ever since Life conflated fraternity culture with
Imagine for a moment Mara, Naomi, and the guy with sunglasses
“youth culture” in the 1920s. And still today, since they make
on the lawn of that 126-year-old frat house. These are the ones who
for much more salacious stories, they’re usually the only students
say yes, who are eager or at least willing to sample what hookup
who appear in the news and opinion pages, whether the spin is
culture has to offer.
positive or negative.
Zoom out and you can see the entire university: classrooms,
When we zoom in on wherever it is that students like Mara,
labs, offices, and administrative buildings; theaters, auditoriums,
Naomi, and men in sunglasses go to party, we lose sight of a full
and galleries; sports fields, stadiums, and gymnasiums; health
third of the college population: the abstainers, the romantics, the
clinics and counseling centers; and residence halls, cafeterias,
devout, and those who are too worried to have sex for fun. A nd
bookstores, and student centers. Pull a little farther out and you’ll
they pay a price. To not hook up can mean missing out on friend-
ships, adventures, and the collective conversation. It can feel like
they’re missing out, even, on the “whole college experience.”
The other two-thirds of students are not willing to miss out.
They decide that social irrelevance is too considerable a penalty to
pay. Or they’re curious about casual sex. Or they get swept into the
“inevitable” hookups. Or they believe that college is the time to go
a little wild. And, so, they do.
Opting In
(~le
~
~(
T
he gay liberation movement began on a Friday. It was summer in New York. It was 1969. The event was routine, a police
roundup of the motley crew that frequented the Stonewall Inn, one
of Greenwich Village’s known gay bars. But that night the bar’s
regulars had had enough. “The scene became explosive,” reported
the Village Voice. The gay, trans, and genderqueer men and women
of the bar fought back. They pelted the police officers with pocket
change, beer cans, and bottles, shouting, “Gay power!”
The police were forced to barricade themselves inside the bar.
“The sound filtering in [from outside didn’t] suggest dancing faggots any more,” recalled a reporter inside with them, describing it
as “like a powerful rage bent on vendetta.” They set the place on
fire. When more officers arrived, they were able to temporarily
beat back the rebellion and snuff out the flames, but there was no
stopping the revolt. The next night more than a thousand people
returned to protest on behalf of gay rights. The civil disobedience
lasted several days.
ships, adventures, and the collective conversation. It can feel like
they’re missing out, even, on the “whole college experience.”
The other two-thirds of students are not willing to miss out.
They decide that social irrelevance is too considerable a penalty to
pay. Or they’re curious about casual sex. Or they get swept into the
“inevitable” hookups. Or they believe that college is the time to go
a little wild. And, so, they do.
Opting ln
T
he gay liberation movement began on a Friday. It was summer in New York. It was 1969. The event was routine, a police
roundup of the motley crew that frequented the Stonewall Inn, o_ne
of Greenwich Village’s known gay bars. But that night the bar’s
regulars had had enough. “The scene became explosive,” reported
the Village Voice. The gay, trans, and genderqueer men and women
of the bar fought back. They pelted the police officers with pocket
change, beer cans, and bottles, shouting, “Gay power!”
The police were forced to barricade themselves inside the bar.
“The sound filtering in [from outside didn’t] suggest dancing faggots any more,” recalled a reporter inside with them, describing it
as “like a powerful rage bent on vendetta.” They set the place on
fire. When more officers arrived, they were able to temporarily
beat back the rebellion and snuff out the flames, but there was no
stopping the revolt. The next night more than a thousand people
returned to protest on behalf of gay rights. The civil disobedience
lasted several days.
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